Today I broke down and cried. Tears rolled heavily down my face as I tried to shield myself so no one would see the tears falling. I tried my best to hold back the tears as I watched a YouTube video of a mother giving birth to her daughter while her husband stood by her side. It’s funny how moments like these just pop up on me.
When I was 18 years old, my mother being the concerned parent that she is sent me to the doctor to find out why I hadn’t started my period yet. Like most doctors and nurses, they all said I was a late bloomer and of course being 18, I believed them. When I turned 19, my mother became very concerned and so I made another appointment. I remember a few days after getting my physical, I received a phone call from the doctor asking me to come to the office and to bring someone with me. Now that I look back, I realize this was a sign of bad news, but being 19, I called my boyfriend and asked if he could take me.
As I sat in the waiting room, I laughed and played with the kids because I was in my pediatrician’s office. I had the same doctor since birth. I went into his office sat down and he gave me the news. I had Mayer-Rokitansky-Küster-Hauser (MRKH) syndrome, I was born without a Uterus and I will never have children. I was immediately scheduled for an appointment with my OBGYN, and had days worth of test, poking and probing. Results were in, I needed to have surgery to remove my ovaries, which had developed cancer on them. At 19 years, I cried a little but I was far too young to truly know the effects it would have on the rest of my life.
So, back to today. Today, it hit me and it hit me hard. Seeing a mother look into her child’s eyes as she held her newborn skin to skin, made me feel empty. A few years ago, I was married and preparing our home for adoption. Today, I’m single and wondering if I’ll ever be a mother.
I realize that I’ve never really spoken about this before because I was in denial. I was hoping that there was some mistake at the hospital and one day I would find out that I was carrying my child, but when I was watching the video today, I thought, “Wow, I’m forty years old, single and not sure if motherhood is in my future.”
I wish I could say something positive and uplifting here, but I guess I’m still in an emotional state. I’m grateful for my life and how God has blessed me, but it’s funny how you can feel empty, when you should feel grateful.
I’m sure tomorrow will be a better day and I will be back to old self but tonight, I mourn what could have been.