I’m scared. Yes, I admit it. I’m scared that I’ll never live up to the purpose that God has for me or that I will never fall in love again after a failed marriage or that I will forever be in debt always trying to catch up.
Most of the time, I feel like no one will understand my fears because I must be the only one going through all of this. How can someone endure all of this and not feel like life is a burden? I know, I know, I’m not the only one, but it feels like it some days.
I know that I’m speaking to someone out there that has had these feelings. Not sure what tomorrow will bring, questioning if you really want to be here tomorrow with the weight of your fears pressing down on the heart. It feels like you can’t breathe. All I want to do is catch my breath.
How do I catch my breath? How do I release the fears and walk in my purpose? I’ve asked myself these questions many times over the years. Yes, years because I’ve felt like this for so long, but it wasn’t until last year when something clicked. I don’t remember the exact moment but repeatedly I kept hearing “Faith Over Fear”. As I tried to live the “Faith Over Fear” mentality, things started to look up. I got a new job, moved into a new apartment and it felt like my life was beginning to look up.
This is my command – be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go. ~ Joshua 1:9
Then things started to fall apart. My new job wasn’t what I thought, my apartment is over my budget and my debt keeps getting deeper because I’m only paying the minimum. To top it all off, I filed for divorce from a man that I thought I would see old age with. I always pictured us with salt and pepper dreadlocks, sitting on our porch watching our grandkids play.
Where do I go from here? How do I pull myself out of this? There is that voice again “Faith over Fear”. Look, I’m not the perfect Christian, I make mistakes every day and I have to work hard on my faith and not let the worldly things make me question my life, myself or my faith. So, every day when I wake up, I thank God because I know that I’m Alive today because my work is not complete. I also take a moment to think about everything that I’ve been through, all the hardships and difficult times when God has given me Grace and Mercy. I then realize that this is not the first time nor will it be the last time that God will carry me through the difficulties in my life. I don’t need to fear anything because God walks with me every day, giving me the strength to fight for one more day.
As we walk in Faith and not by sight, we must endure pain to know pleasure, we must have heartbreak to know what love feels like. I’m not sure what the rest of my life will look like, but what I know for sure is that my faith will carry me through every moment.
There is a line in “Faith by Kendrick Lamar that says, “Faith, it’s so hard to get it, to get rid of it is easy.” I often think of having the faith of a mustard seed, it seems that it would be easy because a mustard seed is so small, but every day, I have to fight to keep my faith. I don’t have money for groceries this week, bill collectors are calling my job, I’m overweight, lonely and depressed. I could easily lose my faith over the simplest thing that makes me feel small, but my God is worth the daily fight to keep my faith. Yes, most days, I have to drop to my knees and ask for strength, but the act of prayer is faith. Keep praying, keep moving forward and every morning remember that you have another day full of possibilities.
Have you ever felt like you were losing your faith? How did you hold on to it?