Today as I sit at my desk, I keep thinking about this morning when I was listening to Sarah Jakes Roberts and feeling inspired and encouraged. Now I sit here, feeling sad, lonely and dismissed. This morning I received an award from work for teamwork but that didn’t remove the feelings sadness. I was brought lunch by a co-worker and that didn’t take away the loneliness. It’s quiet in my heart today. I’m forcing myself to go through the daily motions of smiling and making it seem like everything is okay, but it’s not.
My life has been turned upside down and by my own doing. I’ve pushed people away, hid in my solitude and cried myself to sleep because I’m afraid of what changing my life really looks like. I’m afraid to put in the work required to be different, to feel different. Inside there is this voice shouting so loud to be saved, yet on the outside, nothing has changed.
I’ve asked, pleaded and begged God to change me because I was too weak to do anything on my own. I don’t know why change is so hard and why I can’t seem to stick to it, all I know is that I can no longer be in this place that I am right now. If I go one more day in this skin that is falling apart, screaming for help, feeling depressed, covered in loneliness, I don’t think I will make it another day.
God, I know that you are there. I know that you are listening, but right now, I can’t feel you. I need to feel your presence in my life because right now, I feel that my life is shortening by the moment. That I’m shrinking into this nothingness that I won’t be able to get myself out of. The God I serve is a miracle maker and right now, I’m begging for a miracle.
I know that you are listening and I’m praying to have a Godly ear and Godly vision so I can hear from you and see how you are working in my life.