4 Lessons in Love and Loss

Love, Loss, Lessons, Finding Love, Loving Yourself, This Curvy Girls Life, Jana'e Michelle, Essay, In Love, For Love, Love of Family, Friendship, Marriage, Divorce, Strength

Lessons in Love, Love, Loss, Lessons, Finding Love, Loving Yourself, This Curvy Girls Life, Jana'e Michelle, Essay, In Love, For Love, Love of Family, Friendship, Marriage, Divorce, StrengthLove…

Everyone is either looking for love, fighting for love, enjoying love, scared to lose love or feels unloved.

After being in a relationship for 15+ years with someone that I thought I would be with for the rest of my life, it’s funny that I write this almost 3 years after our separation. For the last 3 years, I was fighting, praying and hoping that my love would return and our future would be back on track. Yes, 3 years, with little to no contact and I still had hope. But why? It was obvious that the person that I thought loved me, no longer did. But here I am praying and fighting for love that no longer exist.

Although I lost love, I never lost hope that love would return. That is a large part of why some people deal with loss of love so hard, because they feel like love will not return to them. It’s not true at all. It’s all in the way we think about love or think period.

We tend to replay the amazing parts of the relationship even though it may have been toxic, but that “need to be loved” syndrome consumes us and we neglect our real needs. Or we replay all the bad the moments, thinking that, this is what relationships look like and we guard our heart with a fire breathing dragon, a mote of flames and a drawbridge that never comes down. Love likes to play these games.

Many couples stay together because they are scare that love will not find them again if they leave or they are too scare to release one another and find their own happiness. Why not take the road less traveled and really look into your thoughts of love and the love you have for people in your life. See what past influences have hindered you from giving your heart freely.

It’s hard to dive deep into our own psyche without feeling guilt, shame, vulnerability… but it’s the only way to heal so you can give true love to someone. This allows you to heal and love yourself more because you can’t love without loving yourself first.

In my marriage I neglected the intimacy which is a very important aspect of being in a romantic relationship with someone, but I hadn’t dealt with my past and for this I lost what I thought was permanent. Which of course later I realized that nothing is permanent that’s why it’s so important to enjoy this very moment as we are not promised the next.

As a child I was molested for many years. I didn’t realized until after my marriage was over that I held every man in my life accountable for one man’s actions which caused a lot of drama, distance and the ultimate demise of love. All because I couldn’t love and didn’t heal. I couldn’t love myself because I thought I caused everything that happen in my childhood to occur. I couldn’t love my friends or family because I was afraid to share my story or scare that I would get found out and be blamed. I couldn’t love my mom enough to tell her what was happening because I was scared that I would lose her. I couldn’t love God the way I wanted to because I felt ashamed, dishonest and guilty. How could God love someone like me?

I don’t think we realize just how much Love is tied into everything we touch, do, think and say. My Grandmother was one of the most loving people I know and imparted so much love and knowledge to all of her children and grandchildren. This bible verse reminds me her everyday and truly inspires me to love harder.

In 1 Corinthians 13 it states: If I could speak all the languages of earth and of angels, but  prophecy, and if I understood all of God’s secret plans and possessed all knowledge, and if I had such faith that I could move mountains, but didn’t love others, I would be nothing. If I gave everything I have to the poor and even sacrificed my body, I could boast about it;[a] but if I didn’t love others, I would have gained nothing.

Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.

Prophecy and speaking in unknown languages[b] and special knowledge will become useless. But love will last forever! Now our knowledge is partial and incomplete, and even the gift of prophecy reveals only part of the whole picture! 10 But when the time of perfection comes, these partial things will become useless.

11 When I was a child, I spoke and thought and reasoned as a child. But when I grew up, I put away childish things. 12 Now we see things imperfectly, like puzzling reflections in a mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity.[c] All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely.

13 Three things will last forever—faith, hope, and love—and the greatest of these is love.

After reading this passage, I’ve come to the conclusion that Love is truly the greatest of all things. I could live a life filled with all the material possessions, money, knowledge and faith but if I’m not loving to others or myself then it’s all for nothing.

4 Lessons in Love and Loss

  1. Even if you loss someone to death, divorce, distance or a break up. The beautiful thing is that you can never undo the amazing love that you shared during your time together. Instead of focusing on the bad aspects, enjoy the memories of what love did. The amazing part of thinking back on love is that it feels your heart and starts to refill your cup.
  2. Love gives you strength. I found that through my separation/divorce, I’ve found strength. From God first and foremost, but also from myself, my family and friends. Love doesn’t stop at a romantic relationship but love lives in every person that you encounter in your life. Through this love, I’ve been healing, forgiving, and living.
  3. Love lost gives you knowledge. I know that it sounds weird to say that if you lose love then you gain knowledge, but think about it. When you’re in a relationship, you learn from each other, so that person has imparted knowledge that you didn’t have before you met, you also gain strength from learning about what worked and what didn’t work in the relationship. What you like and what you don’t like. You learn more about yourself.
  4. Love helps us conquer our fears. After losing love, we tend to dive into our work or family which is normal. However, what I’ve found is I’ve been so empowered to pursue the things I love to do. I couldn’t do any of this if it wasn’t for the love and support of friends and family. With God’s love, I feel like there is nothing in the world that I couldn’t do or become. I’m sure I wouldn’t have pursued the things I’m doing now if I didn’t lose love, because I became comfortable when I was in love and some of the endeavors that I have now were never a thought when I was in a relationship. I’m not saying that creative inspiration only comes after loss of love, of course that is not the case, but I think your mind is free to have thoughts of “What if” or “I can do that”.

I started writing this to say that Love is something that is so strong and so beneficial, but most of all to always be in search of ways to show and give love.  In order to receive love, you must also give it. Don’t let the past hold you back. Keep searching, keep enjoying, keep fighting and start loving yourself more. If I can move on after I thought that my future as a wife and mother were over then you can too. A door may have been closed but keep walking in faith and you’ll soon see the other door right in front of you.

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4 Comments

    1. Thank you so much. I was nervous to share but I pray that my testimony will help one. I truly appreciate the support!

  1. I wanted to reach out a while ago and ask you about adoption and realized it really wasn’t my place. Love this post and so proud of you for being so transparent and sharing.

    1. Thank you Alisha! You could always ask me anything, never hesitate! I’m still planning to adopt, just working on me first so I can be the best mom that I can be.

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